Chapter 14 Hen Party Without a Cock

At precisely 5:30 p.m., as planned, the ladies gathered near the building entrance. The nine of us made an impressive sight, in our matching neon-green tee shirts emblazoned with NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH in bold black letters— courtesy of Officer Wilfred Martin.

Kaulana, who sat on a heavy-duty red scooter, had pulled her tee shirt over a voluminous flowered mu‘umu‘u. The rest of us wore them with comfortable shorts and walking shoes. Violet and Mae pushed fancy walkers of the type with hand brakes and a seat for rest stops. Francesca looked like she was heading out for a trek through the Alps, with a sturdy walking stick gripped in each hand. The rest of us were outfitted with canes—except Coralee who proudly stated that she could walk miles without any aid.

“Everyone got their cell phones charged up?” I asked.

There were nods and yeses all around.

“Okay, let’s hit it, ladies!”

We trooped past Arnie, who eyed us from a chair near the mailboxes.

Esther said, “Hey Arnie, why don’t you come along with us?”

“Where are you ladies off to?”

“We’re going out on our first Neighborhood Watch patrol.”

He looked us up and down. “Guess I didn’t get the memo.

“You’re welcome to join us,” I said.

Sylvie said, “C’mon, Arnie. It’ll be fun.”

“We’d be a whole lot safer if we had a man with us,” Violet said her syrupy voice faux southern accent.

Mae tittered girlishly.

Francesca let out a disgusted snort. “Vee do not need a man to be formidable.”

“Who would dare bother you ladies?” Arnie said. “You’d beat them to death with your canes.” He grinned.

“The walk will do you good, Arnie,” Coralee said. “Get that blood flowing.”

He waved a dismissive hand. “My blood flows just fine. You girls go on and enjoy your hen party.”

“What’s a hen party without a cock?” Sylvie said.

There were a few snickers as Arnie’s smile faltered.

“Okay, let’s get going,” I said. “We want to be back before dark.” With a killer on the loose, I didn’t add.

The glass exit door slid open with a soft grinding noise, then hissed shut behind us. Outside, the late afternoon sun beat down. Intense heat rose from the grimy sidewalk. A slight breeze kicked up scraps of litter in the street but wasn’t enough to cool us.

“Officer martin’s on the ball,” I said, pointing to the new sign right outside our building.

Warning

This Neighborhood Protected by

 Neighborhood Watch

All suspicious activities will be reported.

I held up my clipboard. “I’ve mapped out a route that will take us around several blocks—about a mile and a half. We’ll see how it goes tonight, then make changes for the next time if needed.”

The sidewalk was only wide enough for two. I adjusted my visor and sunglasses, and headed west into the setting sun with Esther at my side. Behind us, the others trooped two-by-two, with Kaulana on her scooter taking up the rear.

“Keep your eyes peeled,” I called over my shoulder. “If you see anything suspicious, give a shout so I can fill out the form.”

“I walk along here almost every day,” Coralee said. “It looks the same as always.”

“Yes. Me too,” said Francesca.

“That’s great,” I said. “Today we’ll familiarize ourselves with the area we’ll be covering, and make our presence known. Those of you who walk here frequently will be the ones who’ll notice if there’s anything out of the ordinary.”

Heads turned as we made our way down Housten Street, past small businesses, convenience stores, and a Buddhist temple. At a corner gas station I stopped to let the stragglers catch up “Let’s cross here. We’ll walk through a few blocks of the single family homes, and come out across from Kon-Tiki Sands.”

I pressed the big silver crossing button. It beeped and within seconds the traffic light changed. The walk symbol appeared and we stepped into the street, making slow progress across the busy five-lane road. A red hand flashed on the sign and I stepped up my pace. The traffic light had changed back to red before Kaulana’s scooter made it up the ramp.

We entered a tree-lined residential street. The tightly-spaced clapboard houses must’ve dated back to the thirties. The paint on many of them was peeling, exposing dull grayish wood underneath.

“You’d think people would take better care of their homes,”  Violet said, wrinkling her nose. “They could certainly use a few coats of paint.”

Francesca came to a halt, gripping her walking sticks. “You zeenk everybody can afford painter? Zees old houses surely have asbestos in zem. Eez very expensive to remove asbestos paint.”

“What do you know about paint, Francesca?” asked Tiare.

“My brozer and I, vee are owning some old houses in California. Vee must hire asbestos removal company before vee can repaint. Eez against zee law to remove asbestos paint by yourself.” She pounded one of her sticks against the sidewalk. “Proper procedures must be followed!”

“Oh, pshaw! Procedures, smocedures!,” Violet said. “Let’s just try to enjoy the walk.”

I needed to refocus these ladies and keep them moving along, or we’d never make it home before dark. “Procedure is exactly what we need for our Neighborhood Watch,” I said. “Come on now, let’s keep our eyes peeled. Pay attention to your surroundings and watch for anything suspicious.”

After we’d gone another block, Coralee said, “I’m getting hungry. There’s a Zippy’s near here. They have a great Senior Special.”

I was hungry too, but said, “I really don’t think we should be out after dark.”

Mae leaned hard on her walker. “I’m so tired. I want to go home.”

Sylvie pouted. “I wanna stop at Zippy’s and get me a Napple!”

“That sounds ono,” Kaulana said.

Esther said, “I think I’ll have the pumpkin crunch pie.”

“We need to focus!” Tiare said. “This is not a leisurely stroll through town. We’re here to patrol the area as a deterrent against crime. Do you want somebody else to get killed in the hot tub?”

I sensed an air of gloom descending over the silenced women.

“You know what your problem is, Tiare?” Sylvie said. “You need to get laid!”

Tiare went still. Her chin lifted. She pinned Sylvie with an icy glare and spoke slowly, enunciating each word. “Shut up, Sylvie. I get laid a hell of a lot more than you do.”

The others gaped at Tiare. I shoved aside an image of her being bedded by Arnie.

Sylvie gripped her cane and raised it threateningly. “Just who do you think you are, Tiare?”

Tiare raised her own cane higher than Sylvie’s.

Fearing I was about to become collateral damage, I backed up out of range.

Sylvie lowered her cane, gave Tiare a one-handed shove, and shot past her. She hurried ahead, faster than I’d ever seen her move.

“How about we go to Zippy’s another time?” I suggested in an effort to lighten the mood.

“They got a good breakfast,” Esther said.

I led the women through several more turns. By now the residents had returned from their days at work or school. Parked cars lined the curbs. Lamplight and TV’s glowed from inside homes.

Only when the streetlamps flickered on did I realize it was nearly dark. Nothing looked familiar. I pushed my sunglasses to the top of my head and peered at the nearest street sign. The white lettering on green was too small to read in the dimming light. Where, exactly, were we?

“Do you know where we are?” Esther asked, seeming to read my mind.

I consulted the map on my clipboard while the ladies huddled, waiting for my direction.

I looked around to orient myself, then gestured to a gap between the houses. “It’s getting dark. I think we’re ready to call it a night. This alley runs for a couple of blocks and should come out on Housten. We can cut through.”

“It’s even darker in the alley,” said Mae.

It was. Buildings on either side of the narrow lane blocked out any light from the streetlamps. “Anyone bring a flashlight?” I asked.

Headshakes, and a chorus of no’s.

It hadn’t occurred to me to bring one. I hadn’t expected to be out after dark. I was tempted to continue around the block, but tempers were wearing thin. The troops were clearly exhausted, and getting hungry. And I probably wasn’t the only one with throbbing knees. We needed to take the shortest way home.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s stick close together. The ground is full of potholes. Everyone take off your sunglasses so you can see, and please be careful not to trip.” All we needed was an injury on our first night out.

Sunglasses removed, we headed into the darkened alley.